The Neckbeardians
by Lee Harvey Oswald
Summary: A tribe of Neckbeards were not raptured during the Second Coming of Carl Sagan and must survive the atheist apocalypse.
1. Prologue

Author's note: This story uses many stereotypes, which have been put at an extreme for satire and comedic affect, and do not represent my actual views on those types of people.

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><p>Prologue<p>

It all started at Skepticon 2014, a convention for atheists, when people started to get raptured. It was clear that the second coming of Carl Sagan was in motion. Not all the atheists were raptured, but only the ones that gain euphoria not by some phony god's blessing, but by being enlightened by their own intelligence. The pretentious neckbeards were quickly sucked into atheist heaven. Their naked bodies covered the air, with their clothes left on the floor they stood on. Many just left a fedora as evidence of their place on earth, while others left Guy Fawkes masks, trench coats, cargo shirts, and various nerdy merchandise of dumb fandoms.

The skep-chicks (feminist atheists) that weren't raptured got on tumblr to complain. The word spread that the people of skepticon were raptured. Neckbeards on facebook were quick to respond. "Atheism isn't a religion! There is no atheist heaven!" Slowly, other people were getting raptured. People at Comic-Con were disappearing, as well as anthrocon and bronycon. Then came the people on the streets. It was all over the news. Christian republicans claimed it was indeed the christian apocalypse, but the liberals knew the truth.

The pope came out to speak to the people, only for a man to come down from the heavens. It was Carl Sagan. He carried a buster sword with the cast of MLP on it that he got from bronycon for $100. Whether or not it was worth the loss of time, money and social acceptance was debatable. "How dare you, stupid funDIE!" His liberal rage brought up his limit break, as he then performed omnislash on the pope, who healed himself until he ran out of magic, even though he mastered his restore materia. The pope took 9959 damage, and disappeared to give Sagan 18000 exp. The crowd was freaking out, the news caught everything. What would the atheist apocalypse bring?


	2. Chapter 1: The Plane Ride

Chapter 1: The Plane Ride

I woke up in my computer chair, like always. The screen went to sleep, and I started it up to browse r/atheism. It had been a week since I browsed reddit. The messages were talking about the atheist apocalypse, and most of the people who use the site had been raptured. I looked on the news sites, and sure enough, the world was in chaos. I started a video chat with my only friend, Patrick. He held two mountain dew bottles. "What's wrong?"

"I can't figure out which one is the mountain dew bottle and which one is the piss bottle, they look exactly the same." He opened one and smelled it. "Alright, this one isn't piss." He then drank the whole thing, chugging it in a few seconds before putting it under the table, as a pissing sound could be heard. You know you are good friends when you can watch someone piss and not feel uncomfortable. No homo. "What do you want, Anon?"

"Have you seen the news? Apparently, it had been 7 days since the atheist apocalypse began! Have you left the basement at all this week?

"No, you?"

"Nope. However, I think we still have a chance. We have to make a pilgrimage to Sweden, one of the most atheist and liberal countries out there to meet Carl Sagan, Neil "Roll the Grass" Tyson, and other atheists. Maybe then we can get raptured!"

"Shit. Can't we just stay in our basements until the whole thing blows over? I think we have to wait seven years or something."

"You are running out of mountain dew, we can't survive without resources. Look, I will do some hacking and get us some plane tickets. You get packed and ready to leave."

"Can I bring my pillow waifu?"

"Yes, I am bringing my waifus too. Just keep them in a suitcase. The plane will leave at 6:00 pm. See you at the airport."

The video chat ended as I then used my 1337 H XX0r $ki11z to get some plane tickets. After leveling up in hacking and victory fanfare started playing, I attempted to get out of my chair. Doritos, mountain dew, pony merchandise, and some clothing were packed in a suitcase. I took out my cosplay bow, and filled a quiver with meme arrows.

Walking outside gave a blinding light, one that made me feel like I left the vault in fallout. I put on sunglasses, completing my JC Denton/Neo cosplay, + fedora. I got in the old pickup truck, and made sure my reddit and MLP bumper stickers were visible before driving. It had been a month and a half since I remember driving, but some racing games I played since then helped me remember. After running over people, public property and other cars, I realized I didn't have any nitrous, so I couldn't reach a high enough speed to hit the ramp and fly over the traffic below. I jumped out as the truck crashed into traffic below, exploding and lighting people on fire. I guess it's time I took the bus.

I sat down with an attractive m'lady, who was too busy on her phone. I saw her looking at the facebook status of her boyfriend, who wore tattoos, swag merchandise and looked very athletic. She was even listening to Britney Spears! I tipped my fedora and started to speak. "Hello, m'lady. I cannot believe that a lady as beautiful, intelligent and charming as you would enjoy 'listening' (if one can even call it that) to talentless, computerized sounds created by large corporations for the sole purpose of profit! I can assure you that I am a nice guy, and will treat you right. Your douchebag boyfriend has swag, but he will never have class. Swag is for boys, class is for men. Mind is clearly more important than body, so you should have a sophisticated gentlesir like me." The girl looked surprised and speechless, probably because she never met a genius like me. The next bus stop had a man enter, who looked just like the man in the girl's facebook.

"Excuse me, can I sit here?" I looked at the man with shame.

"Sorry, but she is my girlfriend now. I helped her realize that she doesn't need a douchebag wife beater like you, and that she should settle for a nice, nice guy like me. Oh, this is my stop. Don't forget to message me, _Jennifer_."

After I was tossed out of the bus with a broken bow, broken sunglasses, and last night's spaghetti falling out of my pockets (I was planning to eat it on the plane), I realized I wouldn't gain any experience points for this. All that exp grinding with a lady on the bus was for nothing. I was friendzoned! I taped my bow together with duct tape (it was mostly duct tape anyway) and put on a guy fawkes mask before walking into the airport, knowing their Orwellian surveillance technology might discover I was a 1337 H XX0r. I walked to the security line. When it was my turn, the security guard looked at my outfit. "Uh, you have been randomly selected for additional screening. Please come over here and identify yourself."

"It is because I am an atheist, isn't it? You stupid funDIE wouldn't understand why I would need to hide my identity, because anonymity is what gives people like us power in a totalitarian state like this!" I saw my friend Patrick coming over, wearing a kimono and carrying a katana sword.

"What is going on here? We were just going to a convention."

"Oh, sorry to bother you both. Good thing that sword isn't real, or I would have to confiscate it."

"Right!" Patrick said, as he grabbed me and pulled me through the metal detector, which starting blaring. "Anon, what are you doing, gathering attention? We have to be sneaky, like ninjas."

"THEN WHY DID YOU GO THROUGH THE METAL DETECTOR!?" Guards starting moving toward us as we ran to gate C-4. I pulled out a meme arrow and used my bow to shoot it at a nearing guard, who fell over with green blood spilling out. We threw our tickets at the people working there and jumped onto the plane, the door closing as we took our seats. Patrick and I talked about our neckbeard friends.

"Did you hear about Kevin? He got domestic violence charges after claims of waifu abuse. Now his Konata waifu wants a divorce!"

"But he seemed so happy with her!"

After a few hours, the plane started to fly over England, but they still had a while until they reached Sweden. Suddenly, an asian man stood up and pulled off his shirt, revealing explosives. "Allahu akbar! I am going to 9/11 this shit! If I kill you stupid funDIES, then I will surely get raptured into atheist heaven!" Patrick tried to calm him down.

"I know suicide rates are high in Japan, but why would a proud Japanese man of honor like yourself commit seppuku, knowing how awesome it is in Japan?"

"I am Thai! Do you assume all asians are Japanese? That's racist, you stupid weeaboo! That's it, I am blowing up this plane right now!"

"Not so fast!" A man jumped out of a priest outfit, dual wielding 50,000 caliber handguns called DANGER 1 and DANGER 2. Under the priest outfit was a little boy. "Sorry Jamie, for what you had to see. I was undercover, I did what I had to do to fit in."

"Who the hell are you?"

"Danger Dangerson. The people of Hollywood are running out of badass names for the protagonists of their action movies, and I didn't want to go with _Jack Reacher. _I am an army cop, the dumbest name the screenwriters could have come up with, and...fuck it. I already forgot my one liners. I am just going to kill you and get this over with." He fired a boulder sized bullet into the man's head, which exploded into diarrhea, which then exploded into lasers. "Explosive laser diarrhea. About time they weaponized such a terrible disease. I mean, we have to harvest the shit from random old people from retirement homes, and it is the most dangerous conventional weaponry we have." He smoked a cigarette, and looked very bored with his job.

"Um, sir, you are not allowed to smoke on the plane." Another explosive diarrhea boulder was blasted into the flight attendant's face, which ricocheted into the side of the plane, blowing part of it up. Everyone but Danger got sucked out with a parachute.

Patrick and I started falling to our apparent deaths. "Damn, It, I can't die a virgin! Now would be a good time to rapture us, Carl Sagan!" Patrick opened his suitcase and pulled out his pillow waifu. "Quick, take out your pillow waifus! They can protect us with their love!" I pulled out my 8 pony plushies and wrapped myself in their warmth, as we hit the ground in a thud. Both of us survived without a scratch, but our pillow waifus were destroyed upon impact. "Thank you, for using your life to save mine." We buried our pillow waifus before walking to London, hoping to find something to help them on their journey. Level Up! I was now Level 74, and Patrick leveled up to 65, skipping the three previous evolutions.


	3. Chapter 2: Teeaboos and Tulpas

Chapter 2: Teeaboos and Tulpas

Patrick's point of view

Now with 65% more [le] per le!

('le' is a true meme only preteen 9gaggers will understand)

"We should get something to eat."

"Well, maybe we can get something at that place." Anon pointed to a large building that had a banner cal[le]d 'Fedora-Con.' It seemed like a dream come true! However, peop[le] outside were protesting against atheism, carrying signs and yelling religious slogans. We slow[le] walked to the entrance when the protesters stopped us.

"Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your lord and savior?"

I Stuttered. "Uh, yes! I will pray to him now!" I looked to the sky. "Moshi Moshi Jesus desu~! Jesus-senpai, you look so kawaii on that cross!"

The protesters looked at me weird. "Are you a Japanese convert?"

"Yeah, uh, now we need to show them atheists the light of Sempai-kun-chan gaijin."

"#420$w g4Je$u$!" Anon said, as we ran past them. Looking around the convention, there was everything a Neckbeard could ask for. Ponies, furries, porn, anime, and large amounts of Doritos and Mountain Dew. There were even better weapons and armor to replace our defaults. "I will go by some food for us. I hope they accept bitcoin." Whi[le] Anon ran off for food and armaments, I went to check out the anime. I was distracted by the 'adult' section, which I had to check out. I walked into a small booth, and there were cat maids surrounding me! They kept meowing, as I stroked their tails and reached for their clothes. Before this could become a terrib[le] fan fiction sex scene, Anon grabbed my shoulders and shook me back to reality. I realized I was surrounded by cats. "Patrick, what are you doing?! I mean, there are girls with cat ears and tails, and there are actual cats! You have to draw a line with your weird animal fetishes, I know where to draw the line at anatomical[le] correct cartoon ponies!"

"No, you don't understand, I didn't know they were cats! I was put under an illusion!"

Sudden[le], a man walked out before them. "Sorry about that, I was testing my skills with illusions. My name is A[le]x, I have been working in the supernatural for a whi[le], and could sense your deepest desires. You two are trying to reach S[weed]en, am I wrong?"

"Yes, how did you know?"

"When you have no friends and browse the weird parts of the internet, you gain some know[le]dge of the mystical and the unexplained. Now, I know that S[weed]en might bring safety for new age hippie liberals like myself, so I want to join you on your quest."

"Of course! Come with us."

Before we could get going, a girl popped up, bothering us in a high pitched, terrib[le] fake british accent. "I see you are a weeaboo, well, I am a teeaboo, obsessed with british culture! SuperWhoLock, Harry Potter, tea and crumpets! I want to meet A[le]x, as he is british and I must absorb his culture!"

"Sorry, but if we are going by Final Fantasy VII ru[le]s, we can only have three peop[le] in our party at one time. Besides, you are not a real Neckbeard, or even the fema[le] equiva[le]nt [Le]gbeard. You are just a stupid hipster from tumblr!"

"WHAT!?" The scene warped as a batt[le] began. 30 minutes passed of constant katana, tarot card and meme arrow attacks untill she was defeated. After winning the batt[le] and some exp, we used A[le]x's healing crystal to recover.

"See? Crystal healing does work!"

"Yeah, because that is materia, not a crystal. [Le]t us equip ourselves with some of your materia, then we might survive later on."

The three of us trave[le]d around Fedora-Con, replacing our default equipment with some better plastic shit with more fandoms on them. Anon and I spent the rest of our bitcoin on a new pony plushie and pillow waifu. I replaced my normal clothing with a tactical riot armor kimono. Before we could [le]ave, a man dressed as Flash Sentry tack[le]d Anon and sto[le] his Twililight plushie, running away whi[le] yelling "SWIGGITY SWAIFU I'M STEALING YOUR WAIFU!"

I quick[le] ran after him and attempted to smack him over the head with my pillow waifu, on[le] for him to def[le]ct the attack with a pillow waifu he took from a nearby stand. We had a massive pillow fight. "Don't interfere, Anon! I am defending our honor!" My tactical riot armor kimono absorbed most of the damage. I eventual[le] hit his arm and knocked the pillow out of his hand, disarming him.

"I-I just needed a waifu! I can't troll christianming[le].com to show off what a pretentoius prick I am anymore!"

I told him what I was told years ago. "You don't find your waifu. Your waifu finds you." He handed the pony plushie back to Anon and sulks away. A[le]x speaks up.

"If the teaboo was that difficult, we might not win future batt[le]s. I have a plan, though. I know you guys can lose your waifus, like with what just happened, but we can bring them back, as tulpas. They are like imaginary friends, but total[le] real you guyz!1!1! You have to give up part of your brain for them to reside in, but during batt[le], you can summon them to fight for you, like in Persona or something."

After some meditation and smoking medical marijuana, we each created a tulpa for ourselves. "But, I had 8 waifus!"

"Sorry, it takes real mental power and being serious[le] social[le] inept to create more than two tulpas to fight for you. Now, we need to catch a boat to S[weed]en." The crowd of fundamentalists were still blocking the entrance. Two peop[le], Michael Moore and Bill Maher, were making a liberal propaganda documentary ca[lle]d 'I'm Smarter than You.' They were talking to the conservatives, ignoring everything they are saying and general[le] acting like pretentious pricks whi[le] the camera man shook the camera and zoomed into peop[le]'s faces to make this more dramatic. We sneaked past them, until the two were pretentious enough to get raptured into atheist heaven. Realizing how useful the film they caught would be, I attacked the cameraman and took his camera, running like a ninja, until I tripped on my riot armor kimono. The other two pul[le]d me away as we tried escaping the angry funDIEs, killing some of them off for extra exp.

"Your stupid LIEb[le] is brony-phobic, you are just insecure about your masculinity, and, uh, gender ro[le]s!" We hopped onto a bus, fil[le]d with cosplayers, and were ab[le] to escape. "What now?"

A[le]x looked into a crystal ball. "Why don't we hitch a ride on an aircraft carrier? Those proud christian soldiers are already planning to invade S[weed]en, so we can stop them! We can get into a military base, sneak on board, chew bubb[le] gum and kick ass! And I'm all out of ass!" We bought some gum and chewed it as we waited for the bus to drop us off at our next destination.


End file.
